Reframing the Unknown
Most of my clients have achieved incredible success. Although the outside world sees them as high achievers, they often suffer from imposter syndrome. They feel that they do not deserve success because either it came too easily, “by sheer luck” they would say, or because they have masked the inordinate amount of effort, discomfort and even pain they endured to get there. A topic that often comes up in our sessions is the fear of not knowing.
We can find ourselves paralyzed by the fear of being judged, the fear of being seen as incompetent or the fear of being found out. We justify our addiction to “research” by telling ourselves that we need to be seen as The Expert. Our perfectionistic tendencies kick in to avoid the agony of humiliation. We feel anticipatory anxiety by catastrophizing and already suffering the rejection that we assume to be imminent. What if we could embrace the not knowing and own it? How might that change our experience?
In those moments, we find ourselves in a belief system, stuck in the basic human fear, “I am not good enough.” Who do you get to be without that belief? What possibilities arise when the paradigm shifts to “I am good enough”? Not to say let go of aspirations or a growth mindset by any means. In fact, we want to tap into that and invite the opportunity to learn with a lens of optimism and confidence. What if we could feel confident in the not knowing, rather than feel that we need to know in order to feel confident? What happens when we shift from fear to bravery? We find courage in letting go of the need to know and the need to mask. We find courage in vulnerability. This clears mental and emotional bandwidth to invite curiosity. We find the courage to openly demonstrate curiosity, which for many of us, happens to be a top character strength. We do this naturally!
The opposite of knowledge does not need to be ignorance. It can be wonder. We shine best when we express awe and curiosity. We give ourselves permission to confidently say, “I don’t know.” We can candidly question and eagerly engage in conversation and collaboration. The opportunity to say, "I don’t know” becomes an occasion to celebrate. “Hooray! Let’s play and problem solve together!” The irony is not lost on me that it may seem I know it all as I write this. What I do know, is that I do not know everything. I can wonder and question and collaborate and continue to learn. Will you join me?